


each drop is pain

by allthefadinglights



Series: dear patience [2]
Category: Formula 1 RPF, Formula 2 RPF, Motorsport RPF
Genre: Bad Parenting, Explicit Sexual Content, Healthy Relationships, M/M, body image issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-17 02:00:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29342463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allthefadinglights/pseuds/allthefadinglights
Summary: Callum and Marcus tackle a more serious issue in their relationship.
Relationships: Marcus Armstrong/Callum Ilott
Series: dear patience [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2155296
Comments: 6
Kudos: 78





	each drop is pain

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Please take note that this fic deals with some more heavy issues than I usually write about. Namely, body image issues and bad parenting. I'm sure Marcus' parents are actually lovely but they had to be shitty for the plot. Just take care if these topics are triggering for you, I'd strongly advise not to read. 
> 
> Yes, I did just write this straight after the first part. I've decided to group them into a series so I can always come back and add more to it if I feel like it. For now, that'll be all for this setting! I debated whether I should post this or not, but I have tagged it the best I can to make sure you're properly warned before reading.

Callum and Marcus have been dating for a while now, still in the honeymoon phase, as Juan had dubbed it. Callum’s roommates were used to having Marcus over by now, he was as much a part of the household as Jüri. Studying together at the coffeeshop is still their thing, has become sort of a tradition by now. The only difference is Callum catches Marcus smiling at him a lot and he squeezes his hand in return. It’s helpful, and Callum is glad it hasn’t changed because it really does help him get his work done. He’s been much less stressed and much better prepared for his classes. 

He’s worried about Marcus, however. They’ve been dating for a few months and while Callum is absolutely cool with taking things slow, he’s getting concerned something is wrong because Marcus keeps turning him down. The most they’ve done is some grinding and a hand up his shirt, but he always stops Callum before they can go any further, making up excuses why he doesn’t want to. He’s tired, he has a headache, he suddenly remembered he had a deadline - Callum doesn’t understand. Oh, he understands that Marcus clearly doesn’t want to take it any further, but he’s unsure why - none of those bullshit excuses are the actual reason, he’s sure of that. And it does sting a little that Marcus doesn’t trust him enough to tell him why. 

He will have to have that conversation with Marcus, and rather sooner than later. Callum isn’t desperate to get laid, his own hand serves just fine, he just wants to know what’s going on with Marcus. It’s not about the sex, or lack thereof, but about Marcus’ reluctance to trust him. They’re on his bed, Marcus is reading a book for one of his classes, and Callum is messing around on his phone, when he decides to bring it up. “Marcus?” Marcus hums in reply. “Can we talk about something?” He sees the wide, scared eyes Marcus gives him but he’s too slow to realise what he just implied.

“I’m sorry,” Marcus says, sitting up facing him. “I know I’ve been dodging you, I know I’ve been turning you down, we can have sex if you want, please don’t break up with me.” He’s rambling and he already has his shirt halfway over his head when Callum snaps out of his shock and stops him, pulling his shirt back down.

“Jesus Marcus, no. I’m not doing anything you don’t want to do and you’re clearly not comfortable with it. You’ve been talking circles around it and I just wanna know why. Is it that you don’t trust me? Do you just… never want to?” Callum notices the way Marcus’ breathing has sped up and he’s fiddling with the hem of his shirt. “Come here?” He opens his arms, allows Marcus to hide his face in his shirt and just holds him until his breathing has evened out. “I’m sorry, I should’ve phrased that differently,” he murmurs into Marcus’ hair. Marcus exhales a shaky laugh, lifting his head to look at him. “I’m not breaking up with you, I don’t care that we haven’t done anything yet. Well, I care, of course, but it’s not a dealbreaker to me,” Callum tries to explain what he means. “I’m doing a really terrible job at talking today.”

“You care because you want to know why I’m uncomfortable with it, not because you’re desperate to get laid,” Marcus says and Callum nods. That’s exactly what he means. “I knew we’d have to have this conversation one day,” he whispers.

“You can talk to me,” Callum says. “You know I’ll always listen and I won’t judge you for anything. Aside from murder maybe.”

Marcus lets out a watery laugh, curling into his side and clinging to his shirt. “It’s uh. It’s kind of a long story.”

“You don’t have to tell me the whole thing, I would just like to know why you don’t want to. Is it a bad experience?” Callum guesses carefully. 

“No, you deserve to know the whole situation, it’s just a little complicated. I’ve always had… body image issues, for as long as I can remember. You’ve probably wondered why I spend so much time at the gym? It’s because I have to. I have to train and exercise a lot if I wanna stay like this.” He gestures at his own body. This is, in all honesty, a surprise to Callum. But it also makes sense. “I was always a bit chubby as a kid, it got me teased in school. Not bullied, really, nothing extreme, just the occasional remark. But when my parents found out…” Marcus lets out a hollow laugh. “We had an image to uphold, and I didn’t fit that image, so they got me a personal trainer and a strict diet.”

“How old were you?” Callum asks quietly, not sure if he wants to hear the answer.

“Ten. It wasn’t bad, he was very nice and patient with me, and the diet was adapted to my age. But it’s fucked with my self esteem a lot, to the point where I’d rather just hide my body than have someone look at me, let alone touch me. I had to keep a close eye on my siblings to see if my parents were gonna send them down the same path, but they didn’t have the same problem I did. They’re fine, it’s just me. And then, instead of wanting to follow in my father’s footsteps and run some car business, I wanted to get into art. Obviously, that didn’t happen or I wouldn’t be reading Animal Farm right now. They would only let me study abroad if I took a major of their choosing, so I agreed. I just wanted to get away from there. And it’s given me so much freedom to be here, to live my own life, but I’m so fucked up I don’t even know where to start undoing it.” 

Callum doesn’t even know what to say. He’s heard Marcus complain about his parents before, but he didn’t know that _this_ was the backstory for it. “I’m sorry,” is what he eventually manages to say, pulling Marcus impossibly closer. “You didn’t deserve any of that.”

“I’ve dated before,” Marcus tells him. “I just always broke it off before this conversation had to be brought up. They just wanted a lot of the physical and I couldn’t give them that. But with you, it’s different. You’re actually patient with me, not just pretending to. You respect my boundaries even when you don’t know why I’ve set them. Just the fact that you brought this up without being accusatory or angry with me is already a world of difference.” 

Callum would like to get some locations on Marcus’ exes to beat them with a stick for being so shitty. “Even if we end up never having sex, I’m fine with that. I would never push you to do anything you’re uncomfortable with.”

“I want to, Callum, I really do.” Marcus threads his fingers through Callum’s. “I’m just terrified. Every time we get close to do anything more than kissing I just freeze and panic. Rationally, I know you’re not gonna run screaming but it does feel that way.”

“Let me help you,” Callum says softly. “Please. And I’m not delusional enough to think that I can fix this but I do wanna help you find a therapist if that’s what you need. Hell, I’ll go to therapy with you if you need me to.”

“Yeah, that’d be good actually. Finding me a therapist, I mean. I don’t know yet if I want you to come with me.” 

“We’ll get on that tomorrow,” Callum promises. “But I think we’ve had enough serious talk for one day.” 

Marcus chuckles. “Agreed. I’m glad I’ve told you, though. It’s not that I didn’t trust you, it’s just a whole lot to unload that you didn’t ask for.” He kisses Callum softly, swallowing his protests because he did ask for it. “Stop talking, just kiss me,” Marcus breathes, sitting up on his knees facing Callum. Can’t really say no to that, can he? They start out sweet and soft, until Marcus lets him deepen the kiss. It’s a slippery slope into filthy territory from there, kissing Marcus deep and dirty - a lot of tongue and teeth - as Marcus pushes him back against the headboard and swings one leg over Callum’s, effectively putting himself in Callum’s lap. That’s already more daring and forward than Marcus has been previously, and Callum pulls back from the kiss, breathing hard. 

“Marcus, I swear to god, if you’re pushing yourself past your comfort zone for my sake, I might have to kill you for your own self preservation.”

Marcus laughs, kisses him again. “I’m not, I promise. I’m gonna take off my shirt now.” That’s a big step, Callum knows it, can see in Marcus’ eyes how scared he actually is. He settles his hands on Marcus’ hips, keeps his eyes on Marcus’ face and watches him pull his shirt over his head. “Your turn.” His voice is a little unsteady but the fear in his eyes has subsided once he noticed Callum isn’t looking at his body but his face. Callum pulls his shirt over his head and tosses it away, not caring where it lands. 

“Tell me to stop when I cross a boundary,” Callum tells him. “I don’t care if that’s in five seconds or five minutes or maybe not at all, but you’re setting the pace here.” 

“Oh, I’m definitely not intending on taking off anything more today, don’t worry.” He reattaches his mouth to Callum’s as Callum kisses him for a while, before deciding to test the waters. He’s kept his hands on Marcus’ hips so far - just below the waistband of his sweatpants, but slowly slides them up Marcus’ sides. He pauses when he notices Marcus getting distracted. “I’m fine, keep going,” Marcus whispers, “Just took me by surprise.” Callum moves his hands to Marcus’ back, just resting them there, holding him a bit closer as Marcus starts circling his hips.

“Oh?” Callum murmurs. He’s not complaining, considering he’s hard in his jeans and getting off with Marcus sounds pretty damn good, but it is surprising Marcus is willing to go this far. The angle is just a bit difficult, so he holds Marcus tight as he carefully lays him down on his back, Callum now hovering over him. “This okay?”

“Callum, I’m not made of glass.” Callum huffs out a laugh, allows Marcus to roll them over so he’s on top. He wedges one leg between Callum’s, carefully starts grinding down on his thigh. 

“Fuck,” Callum breathes. It’s giving him some pretty good friction, even if there’s multiple layers of fabric between them. Marcus grins, kissing him as they move together. He can definitely come like this - it’s Marcus on top of him, and just the realisation that they’re doing this, that Marcus is comfortable enough with him to be doing this, is enough to make him moan. 

“Shh, you don’t want your roommates to know what we’re doing,” Marcus whispers, but he’s taken it upon himself to make staying quiet really difficult, palming Callum’s cock through his jeans. One hand flies down to Marcus’ ass, fingers digging into the fabric of his sweatpants helping him grind down on Callum a bit harder. Between the delicious friction and the knowledge that Marcus trusts him enough for this, Callum’s getting close to release, he tells Marcus as much. “Close,” Marcus gasps in reply, rhythm faltering as Callum rolls them over and takes over the work. He manages to last a little longer than Marcus, just because he wants to watch Marcus come - and it does not disappoint. That tips him over the edge, makes him come in his pants as he has to bury his face in Marcus’ neck to stay quiet. “Fuck,” Marcus whispers. “That was good, I’m okay with this.”

Callum presses his forehead against Marcus’. “I’m glad. I was worried we’d gone too far.”

“No, the getting off part I’m absolutely okay with, it’s the getting naked part that I have issues with. But this, this I would like to do more often.” Callum smiles at him, pulls him into his side for cuddles. “Okay, we should probably get changed because this is starting to feel a little iffy. Can I use the bathroom?” Marcus asks after a few minutes.

“Yeah, you can take some of my clothes, I’ll change in the meantime as well.” Marcus returns quickly, now dressed in one of Callum’s big comfy shirts that he uses as sleeping shirts, crawling close to him on the bed.

“Thank you. For your patience.” 

“Always patient with you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are always much appreciated <3


End file.
